I'm really loving how God is giving me evidence of His desire to meet my expectations in helping me deal with some of the hang-ups and habits I'm trying to overcome. I am seeing that God has been working on bringing me to this point of real change for a few months now. I think this post was kind of the beginning of it all. After having Mark tell me I was "hard to come home to after work", and thinking about how "not fun" I was to live with, I realized how spiritually starved I was. Of course, I probably didn't give that outward impression, but I was.
Since then, I started a new mentoring relationship with a dear friend from church. Sue has talked through a lot with me, encouraged me, and even folded laundry for me :O). I've been able to let go of a lot, as far as the expectations I put on myself, thanks to her. I think my family would agree, I am much easier to live with these days.
There was also the Thirst Conference at church, which did for me exactly what was intended...it began to quench my thirst.
I have also reconnected with my friend Mandy through the Facebook/Blog world, which was at first a big hindrance to my progress because she is someone that I compare myself to often (my biggest hang-up right now). I'd read her blog, then link to someone else's blog, who also seemed to be a much more amazing woman than myself, and on and on. I'd spend hours comparing myself to these women and overanalyzing, justifying, and judging so many things. But, she is the one who inspired me to choose a word for the year. And she got really honest in one of her blog posts, which led to a really neat Lifegroup where a bunch of moms are "coming clean" about their "issues".
So, yah, I am really seeing that God is doing all these things for me...because He loves me...and He wants me to be close to him. I have been praying expectantly that God will meet me in the mornings. I don't have much to offer him due to complete exhaustion, but He is lifting me out of bed before the craziness of the day starts. (My alarm went off at 6 this morning, after another long night with Levi and Natalie, and Mark said in disbelief "What are you doing?"). I can honestly say, though, even as tired as I am, I don't want to be in bed during those moments...and I know that is completely God's doing. I spend my time journaling, reading a few verses in my Bible and taking notes, and, if no one is up yet, reading a short devotional. I love how God is tying so many things together for me...my devotions, the Lifegroup, church sermons on prayer and revival...they are all getting right to the core of what I feel like God is doing in me.
It's definitely a day by day journey. Some days I fall back into that trap of uptightness. Many days I fall into the trap of overanalyzing and comparing. But I keep going to back to my verse from Exodus 14, "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still". I look at what He's done even while I've been standing in the way, and then look at what He's done when I've stilled my efforts and let him do the work, and I know that's what I want more of.
I so needed the verse that I got out of my devotional today. "My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare." Psalm 25:15. For me, it re-emphasizes what I get out of Exodus 14:14. If I keep my eyes on him...if I just quit and watch and wait and let him do his work...He will free me from this trap I have gotten myself stuck in. I can't do it. He is the only One.
Maybe this would have happened for me a long time ago...if I had expected God to do it.
2 comments:
Thanks so much for this post Val. It's encouraging to know that other women are going thru the same things you are and it's hard to see that at a surface level. So thanks for being so open. A side note: Andrea Caldwell gave me a tip for sleeping babies. She said she would feed her baby the first time they wake up and change their diaper. The next time she would only change their diaper. After that's done then she said to start on the first waking with only a diaper change. She said eventually they get the point and start sleeping thru the night. She said it takes getting used to crying for the first while but worth it in the end. I'm going to try it. Thought you might be interested too!
I'm glad we've reconnected. And I hope you realize now how completely human and broken I am.
I also think I could use a Sue in my life. Do you think she would mind visiting Oklahoma? Or maybe you're in my life again, and ahead of me on the journey, so that I can learn from you. I seriously can relate to being "not fun" and being overwhelmed when chaos surrounds me.
I was also journaling last nite about how I really need to spend time with God in the morning. Just letting it occur sometime during the day isn't cutting it for me because sometimes it doesn't occur at all. I tried setting my alarm this morning, but I didn't get out of bed. I don't even remember hearing it. It will take time, but I hope to get there. :)
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