"Hi, we're Mark and Valerie. We're your neighbors. The ones with four small kids already. Yes, we'd love a couple more, but, no, we do not want yours."
We've struggled with this issue at different times over the past year or two {sort of natural when there are almost ten kids the same ages as ours within 300 yards of where we live}, but nothing like it's been the past few days.We're not quite sure how to handle it. We're both introverts and despise conflict, but it's getting slightly out of control. We feel like maybe we should say something, but when you live across the street from the people and see them 400 times a day, it's awkward. And on the other side of this, these kids...this family...are a big mission field.
The household is made up of a set of grandparents, their daughter, her five kids, and her {18 year old} daughter's three year old son and her boyfriend {not the little boy's dad}. The "adults" are in and out of their driveway several {or 50} times a day. There are also 4ish dogs and at least 10 birds living in the house/garage. The youngest of the five kids is the same age as Ethan and Karis. She and the three year old have taken to coming down to our house at every opportunity possible. If we step out of the house, they're in our yard in a matter of minutes. I think she rang our doorbell three or four times yesterday...one of them was after 8:30pm. Another time the little boy was playing in our yard for a while...it was dinner time for us, so I wanted to send him home, but no one was out at their house...no vehicles in the driveway. I had no idea if anyone was even home. As I was walking him home {and my family's dinner was getting cold} a couple of rough looking guys pulled up at another neighbor's house to do some landscaping. No one came out to meet the little boy, but he said his mom was inside...I asked him to go inside to make sure she knew he was back, but he didn't go in. I couldn't in my right mind just leave him there, with these guys I didn't know right next door watching the situation. I waited a couple of minutes and thankfully Grandma came driving up the road.
I don't mind them stopping by to play for an hour or two a couple days a week, even if the "favor" isn't really returned {I wouldn't really be comfortable even if it was}. But several hours everyday. Inviting themselves to eat lunch here and go on outings with us to the Nature Center. Seems a bit much to me. Natalie {our extrovert} enjoys playing with them and so do Levi and Karis sometimes. But this other little girl can be very bossy and rough, and that makes me uncomfortable...especially since Natalie just does whatever she says.
I'm tired of making up excuses for them to go home or hesitating to go play in our front yard. Last night I dreamt that they were standing on our front porch looking in our windows, waiting for someone to let them in.
My memories of how often we played with our neighborhood friends as kids have faded. But I definitely remember that things were reciprocated...some days we played at our house, some days we played at someone else's {and I'm pretty sure my parents were comfortable with that}. It's one of the reasons that I wanted to live in the "burbs" for this season of our life. Mark grew up in the country, miles from anyone else his age. He's a huge fan of privacy. If he gets his way, we'll be on 20 acres sometime in the next five to ten years.
All that said, the opportunity we have here is not lost to us, but where do we draw the line? What is the boundary between being a good neighbor/ministering and being taken advantage of? Can we charge a boarding fee { :o) }?
3 comments:
valerie honey...when i was a young mom this issue was addressed in a book or magazine...I cannot remember. But the solution that was given for the young mother was to put a "play day flag" out in the yard. Explain to adults and children that when the flag is out...they are welcome to come over for a couple of hours...if it is not out...then it means that someone is sick or you are too busy to play or maybe even your kids are "grounded"...which is not always a negative...sometimes the grounding just means that the family needs a calm quiet day. Not sure if this will work...you could give it a try...love you honey, Mom.
Your mom's comment is awesome. I'm filing it away for future use as needed.
I had to make a phone call this morning to a parent who should know better than the behavior they were allowing their child to exhibit. It's the second time this week, too. I think it comes from the simple fact that you are an involved parent, there's love and acceptance in your home and people feel comfortable there. Which in theory, is a beautiful compliment because that means you are actually meeting your goal of touching these children. On the other hand, it's exhausting. Now, I'm saying this from the perspective of a parent with only 2 kids, but I try to make the most out of my time with each one and somedays, it's all I can to do keep my eyes open at the supper table. Add in a playdate where the other mother entered my home, flopped down on the couch and just "checked out" and I really do struggle.
If I were a child in your neighborhood, I'd want to come over and soak up the love in your home. I'd want to be around 2 stable parents who care. But at some point, someone needs to help that child/children learn moderation and social skills. Social skills rely a lot on non-verbal cues and the longer it takes for those children to learn them, the harder it's going to be for them. Perhaps, starting with the flag will help them realize that you DO have a boundary they can't push and that you need to be respected. AND you need to have a chat with Natalie about not being so easy going with the bossy one. If for no other reason, she'll need those skills later in life. We've had to start working with Liam to tell us when he's uncomfortable with other kids' actions. And he's just 2.
But that's just me and my sleep-deprivation-clouded opinions! :D
Hmmm...the flag sounds like a great idea. I tried something similar in a verbal way this afternoon...after they were here for a while...told her that we were going to be having family time for the rest of the day and maybe she could come back tomorrow. She still rang our doorbell during dinner and came back while I had Karis and Natalie at gymnastics.
Oh, and we definitely had that talk with Natalie once earlier this week and again this morning, Laura :O)
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