Making my declaration

I'm making my "public" declaration...September 12th I'm running the Erie Half-Marathon. So, I have to do it now, right? ...crap...now I'm scared...

I've said for a long time that I'd like to run a marathon some day, and I still would, but there is no way I can invest the amount of time it would take to accomplish that goal right now. I'm having a hard enough time believing that I'm going to be okay with the amount of time it's going to take to prepare for a Half.

I love to run. I love the sense of accomplishment when I finish a few miles. I love how I feel when I'm in shape. I love having conversations with God while I'm pounding the pavement. I love feeling refreshed by the quiet.

But I'm so bad about spending time on myself! I rarely feel like I need time away and sometimes feel guilty when I take it. Seriously, I get out about once every two weeks without kids and it's to go grocery shopping. I go to a Bible Study once a month and about once every other month I might go out with some girlfriends for a couple hours, but that's about it. I don't get my hair or nails done, I don't soak in the bathtub, I don't have a TV show I watch every week, I hardly ever read anymore. I might get 20 minutes to read my Bible and journal on a good morning, and after the kids are in bed I'm grading my students' work.

I spend A LOT of time with my family, so why do I feel selfish for wanting to do this? I have a husband who is perfectly capable of taking care of the kids (sometimes I think he's better at it than me!) and enjoys opportunities to be with them on his own. I know plenty of moms, with 3-5 kids around the same age as mine are, who are training for half marathons and triathalons and I know, in my head, it's not bad to set this goal and go for it.

I just have problems letting go of the idea that since I asked to be a mom, I need to fully invest in that (especially in this season when our kids are young)...and that when I spend time on me, I'm being selfish. These years pass much too quickly. Before I know it they'll all be in school all day, and I'll have more than enough time for a goal like this. So, there are days where I have almost convinced myself that I should just wait.

But I can't. I need to do this this year. This is becoming an element in my process of learning to let go this year. I'm letting go of the idea that spending time on me = selfishness. This doesn't mean that my family is never going to see me anymore :O). It means that it's okay for me to set a goal and put in the time and work to accomplish it. I know there are probably plenty of people who probably think I'm crazy for choosing a half marathon to train myself in taking "me time", but for me, this is an investment in my mind, body, and soul.

The timing of the race is what is making this goal attainable and will make the letting go process less stressful. I've been asked to do several tris and halfs by friends, but I'm not willing to commit to them because of the timing. I picked Erie's half because it lets me do a majority of my training over the summer, while Mark is home, our obligations are limited, our schedule is pretty free, and I have a minimal amount of students. (The last couple weeks of the training plan might get a little hairy as Mark starts cross-country, the kids start soccer, and my students start their new school year, but I'll figure something out.)

I'm running a half-marathon.