Things I learned while painting...

I've spent the past two weeks working on my first "professional" painting job at a church in the area. The pastor saw a verse that I painted at a friends house several years ago, and he also happens to spend some time during the school day at the school where Mark teaches, so he asked Mark if I'd be interested in doing one at their church. Without really being sure what I was getting myself into, I said I'd do it. Let's just say, nothing is as easy as it sounds over the phone...

Walls are bigger and higher than you remember them to be from your first visit. I went back in the Fall to check out the church and talk about what they wanted done. I showed them a few of the verses I had done here at the house. It didn't look too overwhelming at the time. By January, I had forgotten the sheer size of the space they wanted me to fill. This also made it a bit difficult to think about the layout of the verse ahead of time. Next time I will take a camera to capture my "blank canvas".

I'm still afraid of heights. I was totally stressed out up there. It took a good hour before I felt like I could breathe easily up on that scaffold. My feet were sore the rest of the day and into the next from bracing myself the first day I worked on it.

Climbing scaffolding is a great workout. It will also leave your shins and knees very bruised if you do it the "wimpy" way {did I mention I'm afraid of heights?}. My dad has worked construction all of his adult life. He's climbed a scaffold or 10,000 over his career, I'm sure. I now know how he could kick my butt in a race without "training". He trained all day long. I've decided I will not be doing any job like this over the summer...during shorts (and Ellie's wedding) season...my legs are a mess!

Proofread twice, paint once.  My dad {the construction worker} has a saying he uses quite often..."Measure twice. Cut once." I found myself adapting {stealing} it after this experience. The church administration decided on Galatians 5:22-23...Fruits of the Spirit....in the NLT version. This is a verse I'm very familiar with, BUT...I don't have it memorized {Such is not the case anymore}. I can usually list off five or six of the fruits, then draw a blank on the others. Anyway, as we were making plans for when I would come out to the church to get started I told them I had an idea for a layout and I'd type up the verse in a couple fonts and let them choose which one they liked. Of course, I typed it up while distracted by multiple things {because that is the story of my life} and then sent it off in an email. She texted back to say I left out the word "of"...easy fix...on we go. I spent about 7 hours over two days chalking in the verse and then painting. I finished on Saturday afternoon and was, overall, really happy with how it turned out. The lady that had helped with setting things up came and checked it out before I left...loved it...was excited for everyone to see it the next morning. I told her I'd come back on Tuesday to touch up a couple letters and wash off the chalk lines. Then...on Sunday evening...I got a phone call from her. Seems that a couple people had pointed out that I left out the word "goodness". Goodness. I left out a whole stinkin' fruit of the spirit!! I. Was. Mortified. This leads into my next two lessons, though...      

My husband rocks. From the moment I got the call, he assured me it would be fine. I didn't believe him at first. I was a mess that night...could not take my mind off of that mistake....and how in the world I was going to fix it. {Think: dark charcoal paint on a white wall and everything already centered just right.} Mark was sure he could cover it up. So he gathered some supplies and tools and went over after school on Monday since it's just a few minutes away. He tried sanding. It didn't work so well. He primed. He waited {bored out of his mind}. He primed again. He waited. He found a fan. He waited. He painted. He waited a bit and finally left, after feeling sure he had covered it up well enough that I could fix it. After a full day of teaching, he put in another 4+ hours. Because he loves me. Because he supports me. Because he defends me. Man. I. Love. Him. 

My God's got me covered. I spent Sunday evening and much of Monday morning consumed by the thought that Mark was not going to be able to cover it up. That the people at the church {especially the ones who I was told were not even supportive of the verse going up in the first place}were probably just laughing at how I could have possibly left out an entire significant word....why in the world would I have not double checked before painting? I was able to finally just give it up {after much prayer} and let the Lord do his thing. It turned out that a couple of kids from the youth group were the ones who noticed it first....and there were some in the church who didn't even notice {or hear others noticing} at all. Mark's paint job covered everything up really well. There was only one spot that I could even tell that he had done anything. I only had to re-do one line...everything lined up beautifully....to cover up the one spot I just mentioned. There were probably people in the service this past Sunday who didn't even notice that it was any different than the previous week. He took care of every detail as usual. Even though this was not a world changing/life impacting disaster, He still had me covered. 

My confession...

At our MOPS meetings this year, members of the steering time are taking turns confessing some of their mothering mishaps, inadequacies, imperfections, etc.  We stand silhouetted behind a white sheet of anonymity.  It's really quite comical.  This past Tuesday was my turn and my confession wrote itself into a nice little blog post.  I got plenty of laughs...I hope the girls were laughing with me and not at me, though!?!?  Here goes...

Before I gave birth to our first little babe, I made the mistake of convincing myself that I would never be "that mom".  You know the one.  She's got four kids going 80 different directions and loses more of her mind with each passing week.  She locks her keys in the car {while it's still running}.  She forgets about doctor's appointments and goes to the grocery store unshowered and in sweats.  Yah.  I was never gonna be that mom.


Oh, how naive was I?


I can say I haven't locked the keys in the car...yet...


But I've had my share of that mom moments...beginning just weeks after my first, not my fourth was born.


I am that mom who, early one Sunday morning {after 6 weeks of sleepless nights} put my breast pump parts in a pot on the stove to sterilize them, then lay down to rest my eyes for just a minute, only to awake 45 minutes later to the smell of burning plastic.


I am that mom who brought a basket full of dirty laundry and two poopy diapers, an infant, and a barely one year old down the stairs and forgot the diapers were in the basket by the time a had a moment to toss the whole load into the washer.


I am that mom who has lost birth certificates and car titles, forgotten parent/teacher conferences and show & tell days, and paid $15 in library fines on late DVD's.


I am that mom who made a meal plan and a detailed grocery list and still forgot the mozzarella cheese, but never realized it until the lasagna was already started and so resorted to peeling a few sticks of string cheese to complete the dish. 


I am that mom who, just two weeks ago, talked to a friend about our kids' hour early dismissal from school the next day, only to receive a call from the school office the following afternoon while I was out running errands wondering if I'd forgotten about my kids.


Yep...I'm definitely that mom. 

**Oh stink.  As I was reading over this I realized I lied.  I just remembered I have locked the keys in the car.  After grocery shopping I somehow loaded the groceries and my purse, with the keys and cell phone in it, in the trunk of our car and closed the hatch.  All doors locked.  I had to go back into the store to call Mark, who had to make the 20 minute drive into town with the two little ones and no carseats because they were in the car I had.  At least the car wasn't running, right?

Score another one for that mom.  :O)

A look at my Imperfect...

After writing that post on imperfection a couple of weeks ago, I just wanted to give you a look into my window to see a little of what "imperfect" looks like in my {physical, spiritual, family} life right now...

• I've been too tired and busy to exercise or run for the past two days......and I've eaten waaaay too much chocolate...and I've squirted cool-whip into my kids mouths so many times lately it's become an expectation instead of a special treat...

• Levi has become a biter. You might be laughing that I'm highlighting this as something imperfect in our house, but I've never had a biter. Ethan and Karis were such a breeze as munchkins. So far Natalie has been his choice victim. Since he doesn't have many words to express himself yet, if she really makes him mad (which she's good at doing) he just clamps on. He got her right on the Achilles' tendon and left a mark for two weeks! I keep warning the workers in the nursery at church and MOPS, hoping he won't pull this there!
  
  


• My peace about some things in life (ie...being done having babies) has become a bit "blurry" these days. I know it's directly related to the fact that Levi turned two this past Saturday and doesn't really fit into that baby category anymore. I'm just feeling this really strong longing for another baby right now. I find myself asking why God would put this desire in my heart, but not put us in a position where we feel like we have the resources for another. Which leads me to ask whether we just haven't trusted God enough. Which leads me to ask where the line is between trusting and testing God. Which leads me to ask whether this desire is, in fact, not from God, but from that selfish part of me that Satan still holds on to and uses to take my eyes off of God and what He has for me.
  
  
• I usually grocery shop every two weeks and keep the freezer stocked, but I completely ran out of bread this week without realizing we had NO more. I had to make Mark's PB&J sandwich with the heel of the loaf the other day.
  
  
• It's been kind of a grump-fest with this girl the past couple of days. All of her clothes irritate her, which has led to major meltdowns before school and gymnastics (and, of course, this doesn't bring out the best in her mama), she's having a hard time sharing with the little two, she's fallen off her bike, she complains about what she has to eat for dinner...
  We've noticed that much of this usually stems from our parenting short-comings. She has a real need for her voice to be heard and to feel accepted...when we're not giving her the positive attention she wants (and usually deserves)...she gets grumpy.
  
  
• Our house is a mess. This is the third morning I've woken to this mess in the family room:
  

Those are Levi's shorts from Wednesday still laying on the floor today.

The kids have actually played really good amongst this mess...they've gotten along extraordinarily well, even though I think it would be so extremely irritating to play in this chaos. Last night at dinner, I had to consciously turn my body away from this room so I didn't feel that wave of anxiety that usually comes over me looking at something like this.

So, yah. Just wanted to let you see that I don't have it all together, even though I kind of doubt you thought I did. I did dust my downstairs furniture and clean a shower this week, though. Woohoo for me!!

Chasing Imperfection

My friend Mandy asked me to share some thoughts on perfection and how to let it go. You can read my post at her amazing blog. She is a beautiful writer, artist and chaser of God. If you have time for reading blogs, I suggest adding her's to you list!

What's been on my mind

There have been two things that have been on my mind a lot over the past year. I thought I'd share a little bit of the journey they have taken me on. Here are the questions I was asking:

Would I be a better mom if I homeschooled our kids? I know this doesn't have to be an issue of being a better mom, but that's part of what it became for me. For some reason, in the past year, I managed to convince myself that homeschooling moms are better moms than those of us who send our kids to public school. They are more organized. They prioritize better. They are obeying Deuteronomy 6 more fully. They spend more time with their kids. They must be more patient. They are protecting their children from worldly influence.

It surprised me when I fell into this line of thinking because I never imagined I would want to homeschool. I've always been of the mindset that public schools need strong Christian families in them, and really felt a calling to make every effort to be one of those families. And, to be honest, I had once thought that homeschooling moms shelter and cater to their kids too much and don't send their kids to school because they can't let go. Thing is, my oldest is now away from home for more than 8 hours a day and I hate it. I also have quite a few friends who are homeschooling, and I've looked deeper at how it honors what God calls us to in Deuteronomy and can really knit a family together.

By the end of last school year my heart was aching to homeschool our kids. I did a "practice day". I looked at different curriculums. I was trying to figure out how I could really make it work in our family. I thought, "Maybe God is calling me to do this thing that I never wanted to do". I spent the summer trying to determine if I wanted to homeschool because I thought it would give me the image of being an amazing mom, because I just couldn't let go of my babies, or because God was, in fact, calling me to it.

Would having more kids make me a better mom? Again, I know this doesn't have to be an issue of being a better mom, but at some point, I also convinced myself that moms with more kids are better moms. They can handle more. They trust God more. They are more willing to sacrifice. It just seems like there is a certain "status" attached to parents of large families - just look at our fascination with TV shows like John & Kate, 18 Kids and Counting, Table for 12, etc. (Alright, I know that John and Kate have fallen apart, and maybe I'm the only one fascinated with how amazing it seems for these parents to be able to do what they do...)

This has actually been something I've struggled with since right after Mark and I decided we were done having kids. This was not an easy decision for either of us. I went back and forth about whether birth control (horomonal or permanent) was Biblical. We wondered where we should draw the line between trusting God to provide for us if we left it up to Him and testing God to provide if we knew full well that another baby would make it difficult to even put food on the table and clothes on our backs, especially when He had already given us FOUR amazing kids!


At the beginning of July I went back to Exodus 14:14, stilled my mind on these two things and asked (or maybe I should say begged) God to fight for my heart/mind on them and give me clarity. When I gave up, He gave me answers and peace.

I became confident that God's place for our kids is in the public school. At the end of July, while Mark was away at Cross-Country camp, I sat on the couch trying to read a book to Ethan and Karis...while Natalie forced herself on to my lap pushing the book and kids away and Levi scaled the entertainment center. I paused for a short moment to keep control and clearly felt God say to me, "Let this be one of the reasons I want you to trust me and put your kids in school." It's not that I can't handle the chaos, but I'm very aware that I have two high maintenance younger ones, and it wouldn't be fair to either "set" of kids to try to make homeschooling work in our home right now. He continues to give me reasons to maintain my peace about this decision. Both kids were "Principal's Pick" for the first month of the school year...a testament to their quiet dilligence and desire to be good examples. Ethan has done multiple assignments where he has written about being thankful for his Bible, that Christmas means we can celebrate the birth of Jesus, and giving to the poor. He has also taken Bible to school again this year as part of his "All about me" presentation.

I realized that sending our kids to school was not the easy way out and that I was sacrificing, just in a way that was different than homeschooling moms are. I have to give up control every day. I want to keep our kids home now. It hurts, most days, to watch them walk up the street to that bus stop. I have to trust that God will protect their hearts and minds when I can't be there to do it. Mark and I have work extra hard to make good use of the time we do have together and be sure that as much as possible is spent helping our kids grow in their faith and gain the tools that will help them make wise choices each day.

I became sure that we were not in a position to ask God for another baby. When you get pregnant as easily as we do, not being on strict birth control of some kind equals asking God for another baby. We are blessed to have 4 children, and I know that God did not create all of us to be like the Duggars. Every family has a different sized quiver for reasons that only God knows. He gives us what we need to make the decision that works for our family. We decided the most responsible thing for us to do was prayerfully take permanent action, knowing that if God desired to give us another baby, He would find His way and provide what we needed.

I learned that it is okay to grieve the fact I will never (barring some miracle) give birth again and that there is a good chance we will never be "baby parents" again. I know there are some who long for the end of this season: the changes of pregnancy, the pain of giving birth, having multiple babies in diapers, always being sure you have a change of clothes on hand when you leave the house, getting a workout simply going grocery shopping, trying to decipher baby babble before it becomes a tantrum, lowering angelic sleeping babies into cribs, having a house full of noise and messes. I LOVE this season. There is always going to be a part of me that will long to experience the miracle of a baby again. I've struggled to picture myself on the other side of it. But as allow myself to grieve (yes, I seriously get nauseous and cry) the ending of it, I am beginning to look forward to what the next season holds.

Well, maybe I should have split that into two posts! Hopefully I didn't loose you halfway through it. I know these are two things that many moms struggle with, so I hope in some way it has encouraged you that you are not alone...or given you the push to seek God's peace for these decisions in your own life.

Here's where I'm at

It starts with just a glance…and then I’m deep in it again. This trap of comparing myself to other women. I read a (complete stranger's) blog post or see someone's Facebook status or catch a glimpse of a mom friend's neat and orderly home.

Satan uses the world to start whispering in my ear..."You are inadequate. The things that you do and have are not enough. You must strive to be more and do more. You should have more kids like so-and-so...surely they are trusting God to provide all that they need. Or maybe you should have had fewer kids like so-and-so...then you'd be able to give your kids more attention. You should be working like so-and-so...then you wouldn't be wasting your college degree, and, really, is daycare that harmful? You should be homeschooling like so-and-so...she's growing her kids' character and mind, while balancing the rest of her busy life. I could go on..."

God is using his Word, my husband, and two special friends, to show me not only am I not alone in this struggle, but that I can have victory over it. Bad habits are slow to die, but the Lord has encouraged me with this in recent days. I just keep reading it over and over.

He says to me..."I beamed with satisfaction the day I knit you together. I smiled with joy as I laid out your days before you. I handpicked your husband, your children - and their number. I traced your path through life with my fingertip. With great care I chose your strengths, your weaknesses, your habits - good and bad - and created a vessel only I could fill. I have designed you for the everyday tasks of this season in your life - even the laundry, the diapers, and the schooling choices. Stop striving and submit to me as God of your life. Fix your eyes on me and know that I can set you free from this feeling that you are not enough. Rest in me. Make me your motivation. Be whole, be fulfilled in me, and me alone." (Psalm 25:15, 46:10, 139, 100:3, Eph 2:10)

I gave up my MOPS steering team position partly because of this issue. Not only will I have more free time, but I believe God is calling me to find my worth in Him…to keep my eyes on Him…not to be so tangled in what I can do, who I will impress doing it, and how it will make look compared to other moms around me. It has been hard. I love being on this team. I have a great group of really strong Christian women I work with who are passionate about serving God and meeting real emotional, physical, and spiritual needs of moms. At this point, I’m hoping to go back in a year. I need the time to train myself to keep my eyes on God…to train myself to make Him my motivation for all that I do…not anyone or anything else…just Him.

Pressing On

To me, it seems so early in the year to feel like I have to "press on". As runner, I don't usually have to take on the "just keep going" mentality until I'm a few miles in. I don't know that I expected this when I set out for this to be a year of change. But, you see, I'm a very impatient person. I think I expected to be a changed person by the end of January and then reap the effects of that change for the rest of the year. Ha Ha!! I am SO human!

I can't say that I really feel as though I'm trudging along. There is still a joy and fulfillment when I take my early morning moments and use them to learn more about my God and what He wants for me. It has not become something I'm doing out of duty. At the same time, I feel like with each moment or day where progress is evident, I also find another area I need to change or face another attack. I read something yesterday to the affect that when we move to a new level with God, we gain a new devil. Can I get an amen to that?

I love that this journey is bringing me out of my complacency. I love that it is bringing me into almost constant conversation with God. I love that when I find it difficult to focus on where to go or what to do next, or I'm questioning whether we are doing the right things, God has been right there. Maybe not at the moment I would like, but at His perfect time, He comes along side me and shows me "See this...this is what I have for you..." or "See this...this is what I'm doing with you and sometimes in spite of you..."

Example 1: I have had this thought in mind and on my heart for a while to get a group of moms together to pray for our kids and the local public school they attend. I know several Christian women whose children go there and I believe it is so important that we cover our children, the other students, the teachers, and the building in prayer. That said, my prayer life is not what it should be, so I've felt hesitant to lead a group of this nature. Yet, I feel like there is a reason God has put it on my heart, and I expect that God is bringing me to the place where I will be a part of seeing this happen.
So, on Sunday when I saw the note in our church bulletin that they are starting a group for moms who want to come before the Lord in prayer for their children, I almost thanked God out loud in the middle of the service. I am talking to God about using this group and me to do something similar at school.

Example 2: One area I have overanalyzed to death is schooling for our kids. Do we homeschool? Do we make the sacrifice and send them to Christian school, if at all possible? Do we send them to public school? Mark and I, as public educators see the reality, and sometimes horrors, of what the public school system looks like. It is so evident to us, that our public schools are mostly void of strong Christian examples, in teachers and students. The public schools are a mission field that need Christian families in them, and we believe that this is the mission field our family has been called to. At times, though, it is hard for me hold on to that. Like when I see my quiet little boy get on that bus. And when I ask him who he talked to today, he replies "Nobody except (insert names of kids he knows who are already from Christian homes)". I think who am I trying to kid, that I think this boy will have the boldness to share Christ? I wonder will his simple example be enough? I fear his silence will give way to peer pressure or ignoring those in need.
So, yesterday when we were in the van on the way to the bus stop and Ethan asked if it was his turn for show and tell, and I replied it will be next Monday, and he responded with, "I want to take my Bible", I thanked God that Ethan is His child before he's mine. That God will use Ethan to do His work. That He will make me the parent that will help make that possible, and, that in spite of my fear and worry that it won't happen, He can do it. I expect Him to do it.

A New Day

I wish it was easier to be a God-follower. I wish that making progress in one area of my life wasn't overshadowed by losing ground in another. I wish surrender came naturally. I wish my kids listened and obeyed. I wish a day of little frustrations didn't lead to an explosion of anger. I wish God's timing wasn't so different from what I would like it to be.

I'm thankful that God gives me a new day, full of His Grace. I'm thankful for opportunites to teach my kids about that Grace and the "messy" parts of human nature. I'm thankful that God is not silent...He answers a prayer from last week right in the midst of yesterday's screw-up.

I recently read an analogy about our life with God that I really liked. It compared that relationship to a sunrise. I'm sure you've witnessed a beautiful sunrise before (or even a sunset). What made it glorious and colorful? Usually it is the clouds. While clouds alone can be gloomy, they have the ability to magnify and display the beauty of the sun's light. Likewise, I'd like to see these issues and difficulties in my life not just as things that darken it, but things that have the ability to magnify the beauty of God's plan for my life and the brilliance of His amazing love for me.