What's been on my mind

There have been two things that have been on my mind a lot over the past year. I thought I'd share a little bit of the journey they have taken me on. Here are the questions I was asking:

Would I be a better mom if I homeschooled our kids? I know this doesn't have to be an issue of being a better mom, but that's part of what it became for me. For some reason, in the past year, I managed to convince myself that homeschooling moms are better moms than those of us who send our kids to public school. They are more organized. They prioritize better. They are obeying Deuteronomy 6 more fully. They spend more time with their kids. They must be more patient. They are protecting their children from worldly influence.

It surprised me when I fell into this line of thinking because I never imagined I would want to homeschool. I've always been of the mindset that public schools need strong Christian families in them, and really felt a calling to make every effort to be one of those families. And, to be honest, I had once thought that homeschooling moms shelter and cater to their kids too much and don't send their kids to school because they can't let go. Thing is, my oldest is now away from home for more than 8 hours a day and I hate it. I also have quite a few friends who are homeschooling, and I've looked deeper at how it honors what God calls us to in Deuteronomy and can really knit a family together.

By the end of last school year my heart was aching to homeschool our kids. I did a "practice day". I looked at different curriculums. I was trying to figure out how I could really make it work in our family. I thought, "Maybe God is calling me to do this thing that I never wanted to do". I spent the summer trying to determine if I wanted to homeschool because I thought it would give me the image of being an amazing mom, because I just couldn't let go of my babies, or because God was, in fact, calling me to it.

Would having more kids make me a better mom? Again, I know this doesn't have to be an issue of being a better mom, but at some point, I also convinced myself that moms with more kids are better moms. They can handle more. They trust God more. They are more willing to sacrifice. It just seems like there is a certain "status" attached to parents of large families - just look at our fascination with TV shows like John & Kate, 18 Kids and Counting, Table for 12, etc. (Alright, I know that John and Kate have fallen apart, and maybe I'm the only one fascinated with how amazing it seems for these parents to be able to do what they do...)

This has actually been something I've struggled with since right after Mark and I decided we were done having kids. This was not an easy decision for either of us. I went back and forth about whether birth control (horomonal or permanent) was Biblical. We wondered where we should draw the line between trusting God to provide for us if we left it up to Him and testing God to provide if we knew full well that another baby would make it difficult to even put food on the table and clothes on our backs, especially when He had already given us FOUR amazing kids!


At the beginning of July I went back to Exodus 14:14, stilled my mind on these two things and asked (or maybe I should say begged) God to fight for my heart/mind on them and give me clarity. When I gave up, He gave me answers and peace.

I became confident that God's place for our kids is in the public school. At the end of July, while Mark was away at Cross-Country camp, I sat on the couch trying to read a book to Ethan and Karis...while Natalie forced herself on to my lap pushing the book and kids away and Levi scaled the entertainment center. I paused for a short moment to keep control and clearly felt God say to me, "Let this be one of the reasons I want you to trust me and put your kids in school." It's not that I can't handle the chaos, but I'm very aware that I have two high maintenance younger ones, and it wouldn't be fair to either "set" of kids to try to make homeschooling work in our home right now. He continues to give me reasons to maintain my peace about this decision. Both kids were "Principal's Pick" for the first month of the school year...a testament to their quiet dilligence and desire to be good examples. Ethan has done multiple assignments where he has written about being thankful for his Bible, that Christmas means we can celebrate the birth of Jesus, and giving to the poor. He has also taken Bible to school again this year as part of his "All about me" presentation.

I realized that sending our kids to school was not the easy way out and that I was sacrificing, just in a way that was different than homeschooling moms are. I have to give up control every day. I want to keep our kids home now. It hurts, most days, to watch them walk up the street to that bus stop. I have to trust that God will protect their hearts and minds when I can't be there to do it. Mark and I have work extra hard to make good use of the time we do have together and be sure that as much as possible is spent helping our kids grow in their faith and gain the tools that will help them make wise choices each day.

I became sure that we were not in a position to ask God for another baby. When you get pregnant as easily as we do, not being on strict birth control of some kind equals asking God for another baby. We are blessed to have 4 children, and I know that God did not create all of us to be like the Duggars. Every family has a different sized quiver for reasons that only God knows. He gives us what we need to make the decision that works for our family. We decided the most responsible thing for us to do was prayerfully take permanent action, knowing that if God desired to give us another baby, He would find His way and provide what we needed.

I learned that it is okay to grieve the fact I will never (barring some miracle) give birth again and that there is a good chance we will never be "baby parents" again. I know there are some who long for the end of this season: the changes of pregnancy, the pain of giving birth, having multiple babies in diapers, always being sure you have a change of clothes on hand when you leave the house, getting a workout simply going grocery shopping, trying to decipher baby babble before it becomes a tantrum, lowering angelic sleeping babies into cribs, having a house full of noise and messes. I LOVE this season. There is always going to be a part of me that will long to experience the miracle of a baby again. I've struggled to picture myself on the other side of it. But as allow myself to grieve (yes, I seriously get nauseous and cry) the ending of it, I am beginning to look forward to what the next season holds.

Well, maybe I should have split that into two posts! Hopefully I didn't loose you halfway through it. I know these are two things that many moms struggle with, so I hope in some way it has encouraged you that you are not alone...or given you the push to seek God's peace for these decisions in your own life.